Darkness
I am inhaling your pleasure
you are consuming my hatred
We are dancing timelessly
removing the senses
Until daylight dies out
outside earth’s homeless sphere
In time with silence
we are burying our souls
Opening an already discovered gate
which we were not familiar with
In the darkness of night
we are forced down in vain
We are moving timelessly
liquidating our souls
Breathing together in harmony
breaking every potential rule
Until dawn flickers
Until the night dies out
I had a bit of a hard time reading this one (poetry is NOT my forte, I'll admit to that) and I don't feel very comfortable trying to give constructive feedback on it - especially not when in free form.
SvaraRaderaWhat I can say, however, is that I didn't get any clear picture in my mind while reading it. You have repeated some very strong words and phrases, but altered them, like "Until daylight dies out" and "Until the night dies out". To me, this simply makes me confused, where I myself perhaps would have chosen to use the exact same line twice to create an artistic effect.
But, the beauty of poetry certainly is in the eye of the beholder, and there is a good flow to your poem :)
It wasn't possible to use the same line twice, because it's starts when the darkness is coming (daylight dies out) and ends when the day begins (the night dies out) :).
SvaraRaderaI'll give you an analysis of the stanzas;
First stanza: the moment of courtship
Second stanza: the sexual intercourse
Third stanza: the "after-moment" between two persons who have slept together
I hope this made it easier to read it :).
It's a nice poem and I think it's kind of mysterious wich requires some extra focus for the person who reads it. Another thing I liked was that it has a good flow to it, well done!
SvaraRadera/Jenny A
Nice poem!
SvaraRaderaWhen I first read your poem I had a hard time understanding what you wanted to say with it, but after reading your response to Hannah´s comment I really understand it! Good job:)
//Elin